whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize