I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Randomize
