She announced her abortion via fbk
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize