the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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