I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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