At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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