Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
