If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
