someone threw a dead crab at me
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
