dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
