i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
