Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You have to summon your inner elephant
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
