I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dignity is for republicans.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
