i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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