I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
