i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
