Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
