I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I did not marry a roomba.
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