last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
