I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
