How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
bring money and cleavage
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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