I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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