This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
