im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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