i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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