i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
