today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
