I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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