Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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