I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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