all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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