From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
