Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
