please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
