I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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