i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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