You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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