Cold hands, warm shart.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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