i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
