shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
