I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
