i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
