Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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