Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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