You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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