did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My vagina is officially offended.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
