he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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