the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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