i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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