I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
