4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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