Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
