Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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