shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
