He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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