hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I still have a little drunk in my system
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
