sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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