Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm jealous of your bromance
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
