is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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