i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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