Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you inspire me to be a worse person
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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