Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
