Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
