Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
