I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
